Blog of M.

Yesterday, I wrote a blog about how lost and unpurposed I feel right now. It felt good to get that out, but I started to feel like I needed to do something else, something I know that most people wouldn’t understand me doing, but I needed to do it; I decided to text my ex.

It was a very weird feeling, one I’ve only felt once before; I didn’t really know what to say to her, so I started with the basics … I said hi. I didn’t know how the conversation was gonna go, or even IF it was gonna go anywhere, but since I had written about me needing to stop being afraid and just do it, I did it. And surprisingly, it was one of the best decisions I’ve made about her this year.

I don’t really need to get into all the details, and even if I did want to, I’m not sure I could; but in the end, that conversation really helped me to put things into perspective, and even get some inspiration and motivation for where my life needs to be going.

I lost the girlfriend I had, and there is no getting her back; but I don’t see that as a negative thing anymore. I can’t be concerned with what I lost, because I have so much to look forward to in the future if I focus on what I could have and what God can bless me with if I trust in Him, and start exercising patience.

This situation is not what I deserve right now; but it is what I need. And once I get everything I need, then I can be blessed with what I deserve …

I have been keeping a great deal of thoughts to myself, mostly because I feel like I already talk about them SO MUCH, they sound like a broken record. Well, today, I refuse to keep these thoughts to myself any more, and if they ARE broken record, then at least it will be the truth, because my life has felt like that for a while now.

I guess I can attribute all this to the fact that right now I feel like I have no direction in my life. This time last year, I had my whole life planned out, and it revolved around my (ex)girlfriend. It looked like we were headed straight for wedding bells, white picket fence, two car garage, that whole nine … I was gonna move out on my own, and life was gonna be golden. As I should have expected as far as my life goes, NOTHING went as planned. A year later, and I’m single, and STILL living at home. When she left, all my plans left with her, and I was left with a cavernous hole in my heart, and my life.

In the past several months, I had pretty much lost all my will to do anything. I didn’t really care about anything, because I felt like all the things in my life worth caring about left. The metaphor of my life falling down around me became manifested in the physical with my car (the one thing left that I DID care about) falling apart on me …

Now added to that are feelings for and thoughts about a person that at one point I thought I’d never want to talk to or see again, let alone this … Confusion has become the focal point of my life. Jedi Master Yoda broke it down like this (with a small addition from me);

Confusion -> Fear -> Hate -> Suffering -> DARK SIDE

I have been praying for some kind of direction from God, cause me trying to figure it out has lead to naught but hollow, broken dreams and a general state of unfulfilled-ness (is that even a word?). I just want something more, I NEED something more; I need to know there is more for me that just what is right now …

At one point last week, I was inspired by a thought; “What we want for ourselves, is not always what God wants for us; but, what God wants for us is always what we need.” He knows what I need, and what I can handle at this point in my life; I know that what I want right now could not be the best thing for me right now. I have seen things starting to work in my life that lead me to believe that I’m not doomed for the mediocre existence I feel like I’m stuck in now, but the only thing that will get me there is trust and patience, the two things that I have the most trouble with …

When I woke up this morning @4am, I found that I had a multitude of thoughts in my head.

Most of these thoughts are commonplace to me now unfortunately, but what IS new is the confusion and apprehension I feel …

I think that it’s probably time to stop thinking about what I want and start going after what I want. Time to be a little bold and reckless; safe just isn’t working out.

A man who doesn’t try because he is afraid to fail can never suceed.

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I haven’t really had anything to blog about lately …

I read some really crazy articles, but they weren’t really blog worthy …

I had a random phone call from my ex, but its was too short to really blog about …

I realize that everyday last week, I was thinking about her more and more, but its also nothing worth blogging about …

Went to Purple Tree saturday night, had a good time, but nothing blog worthy happened there …

THEN WE HIT SUNDAY NIGHT …

Poetry night was almost nothing to blog about, UNTIL they walked in … I recently blogged about how I love all kinds of women, and all that stuff; but I also believe in dressing appropriately for your size. There are some women who DO NOT need to wear belly shirts, and last night I saw one of those women. Then on top of that fashion faux pas, she had the audacity to show off her belly button piercing. Then there was her flamboyant friend … he was wearing what basically amounted to a Member’s Only jacket (remember those?) DIPPED IN 24K GOLD!!! His jacket shone brighter than the lights in the joint! I really wanted to go tell him turn his jacket off, or at least get my shades out the car, cause it really was starting to hurt my eyes. Turns out these nice folk were part of a start up talent agency and they were promoting during the last portion of poetry night. First came the fashion show; I can’t even comment on the fashion show, cause it was that wrong. Just imagine what you think some (wanna be?) strippers parading around in lingerie (yes, it was a lingerie fashion show) minus the stripper pole, and you probably got a good idea. They had a couple vocal artists too; the girl performed a song she wrote, and although she really wants to do R&B, I think she would be better suited to more of an R&B/Pop mix. The guy they had was pretty ok, I don’t think I would buy a whole CD of him though, I’d have to hear more. All in all, it was a fun experience though.

I guess this ends the dryspell …