Blog of M.

1. I really, really, REALLY want a Droid. They are awesome.

2. This week has been pretty average, except for this morning and yesterday morning; Its been a LONG TIME since I woke up in moods that good.  I really don’t care how sappy I sound saying this; those couple hours spent sitting on the couch watching “My Girl” and her cuddled up next me with her hair smelling like pears and the heating pad for muscle relaxation and getting to kiss her good night was one of the best times I’ve had all year. ALL YEAR.  Then the interesting conversation from last night … yeah … :-)

3. Best random thought for last: I have been thinking all week that I really just want to flash clone her and send the clone to school so I can keep the original.  Yeah, I really, really, REALLY like her …

These thought lately got me asking W5; like who, what, when, where, and why …

The who is easy; it’s me and her. Not really “us”, although I would like nothing more right now …

What is an easy one too, albeit somewhat endless; the situation is simple; I want her. In what way?In EVERY way … Just being honest … What have I done about it? Everything I know how, but circumstances seem to want us apart … What can I do but make the best of it while I can?

When? Right now. Right now is all I have to work with; the past is gone and unlike Nintendo, life has no reset button. The future holds only a promise of separation; maybe forever … “No day but today.”

Where … Where to go from here? That’s really the million dollar question; unfortunately the answer seems to be nowhere. For all the (seemingly) mutual feelings, all the great times, this seems to converge to zero … I hate thinking like that sometimes, I really would rather be an optimist, but experience says that false hope tends to lead to heart break. Where is my lucky break for a change???

So, “why” … I almost don’t even wanna start on why … I could sit here and ask “why” all day about all sorts of stuff, but I won’t. I already know why I fell for her, and why we can’t be together, and any other “why” is moot. Well all except this one; why can’t I have what I want just this once?

Last night … last night as we sat on the couch watching fringe I felt the same thing I always do; that same urge to touch her … to get closer and closer and closer … put my arms around her and hold her … and I got all those things. What I wanted most was to kiss her; not really a “smooth” or even non awkward way to do that on the couch, but I had hopes for at least before she left for the night.

Obviously didn’t happen …

What I’m wondering now is why; why this one barrier? Ok, so I know there’s no relationship, and depending on who you ask, may or may not be dating, but still … It made me think. I can understand why I don’t really need to do it (if you knew me, you would too); I less emotionally attached I am to her now, the less it will hurt when she leaves. But (and this is just wishful thinking), what if she is keeping me away for the same reason? I had been thinking that she is letting me play BF a little bit, nothing too serious of course, but no real harm in letting the guy court you alittle if you both understand that it’s a temporary situation.

But what if I’m not the only one in danger of catching feelings?

I know it’s stupid that this thought hadn’t crossed me before, but what if she is playing “keep away” because maybe she feels a little bit like I do?

I’m not saying I’m a jealous guy, especially in this case where I have right to be AND she’s not leading me on, but it does kinda suck that she can be “playful” with others because no feelings are involved; just fun.

Catch 22 at it’s worst …

People who know me pretty well know that whenever the phrase “I’ve been thinking …” comes out of my mouth, its about to be an interesting story.

Well world, I’ve been thinking …

There’s a couple not-so-random thoughts I’ve been contemplating over the weekend, all sort of inter-related.

I’ll get the easy one out of the way; I’m STILL sick and tired of the bad guy winning the girl, only to cause all sorts of emotional mental and sometimes physical damage and scarring.  Why would you do this to yourself? Well, I decided to ask a couple of the girls I know, and almost verbatim, they answer with this; Females are stupid. Um, really? That’s REALLY the best answer y’all can come up with? Females are stupid??? I’m a firm believer than PEOPLE IN GENERAL are stupid; every last person on God’s green earth makes at least one stupid decision a day.  But for all females who are in bad relationships (not just romantic) with guys to continue to stay in those relationships, even being aware of how detrimental it is to their well being is mind boggling.  I just can’t fathom that stupidity is the only excuse, and the universal one at that.

And speaking of being stupid; I have to throw in my name in the mix too.  I honestly feel like a dumba$$ some days.  I continue to chase after things I can’t have, DON’T chase the things that are (relatively) easily accessible to me, and for some reason, can’t seem to make myself do better, especially when it comes to the first part.  You’ve probably figured out what it’s about … yeah, a girl.

So, yesterday brought about the most random thought of all; one which I’ve had many times over the years, but never truly considered it until now … a nomadic lifestyle. Yepp, just pick up and move somewhere for a while, then pick up and move again. Lather, Rinse, Repeat … until I find a reason not to do it any more.  Why the serious consideration now? Its in relation to thought #2; I figure if I completely leave my whole life behind, and start a new one somewhere else, it would be a great help to me. I can’t explain in what way, but nothing I’ve been doing now is really making a dramatic improvement, and I’m just ready for something dramatic.  My life is very much unremarkable (at least to me it is) and everything is always so cookie cutter and predictable.  I am far too young for that, and I never saw it being like this.  Everything in my world is relatively safe; I never do anything wild, crazy, outrageous, or the like … its like I’m going through a mid-life crisis at 26.  Going through the list of stuff I’ve never done in my head (no, I will not post it), I’m boring.  This needs to be fixed.  Will I actually go through with the whole nomad thing? Probably not, and there in lies the problem …